CAT IN THE FAN BELT

Cat in the fan belt, mice in the wheel well,

Dogs in the alley, panting out of breath,

Crows in the bushes waiting for the death

Of the cat in the fan belt

I've got this migraine pounding through my brain

Neighbors with their god damn Kiss CDs

Blaring from the speakers on their balconies

And I've got this migraine

Eight-year-old bastards light a bag of dog shit,

Ring my doorbell, I'm not answering it

Telemarketers won't let me rest,

Want to give me credit cards with low interest

Aren't I already plenty stressed?

Can't stop this bass drum in my cerebrum

Guys down the hall in the death metal band,

Heard from here to the Holy Land

And I can't stop this bass drum.

Thunderstorm raging in my skull,

Rocking like a dinghy from stern to hull

Break my bones and blind my eyes,

Cut this migraine down to size

Before it starts to paralyze

Cat in the fan belt, mice in the wheel well,

Dogs in the alley, panting out of breath,

Crows in the bushes waiting for the death

Of the cat in the fan belt cat in the fan belt cat in the fan belt

FLAMMABLE PAJAMAS

Time to have a party, all the gang is here

Dad stocked up the pantry with whiskey, wine and beer

We got silly stories, we got puppet shows

We got violent cartoons where everything explodes

Miss Linda from the city zoo

Will bring a baby seal for us to barbecue

Flammable pajamas are so much fun

Flammable pajamas, gotta get me some

Flammable pajamas, gonna turn up the heat tonight

We'll make ugly faces until they stick that way

We can run with scissors, have fights with nasal spray

So bring your mother's china and Daddy's best vermouth

We need lots of cool stuff to throw off of the roof

Chip from the university

Will show us how to access phone sex lines for free

Mr. Ralph from the liquor store

Will teach us how to drink while passed out on the floor.

SWIMMIN’

Hey man, do you wanna go swimmin’?

Hey man, do you wanna go swimmin’?

Hey man, do you wanna go swimmin’?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

In my magical bikini,

Invisible, you can’t see me

‘Cause I’ve been working very hard on this equation

Mounting a changing room invasion

Hey man, do you wanna go swimmin’?

Hey man, do you wanna go swimmin’?

Hey man, do you wanna go swimmin’?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

For a limited engagement

We’ll be pounding on your pavement

Do the Turtle, do the Robot, do the Monkey

Play Toss the Dude with an undernourished junkie

It doesn’t get much better than this

It doesn’t get much better than this

It doesn’t get much better than this

Hey man, do you wanna go swimmin’?

Hey man, do you wanna go swimmin’?

Hey man, do you wanna go swimmin’?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

GREAT PERSONALITY

She's got a great personality

You know what that means to me:

She's got a smile like a chain saw and she weighs 393

She's got a great personality

She's got a great personality

That's deeper than her outward beauty

Her voice derails the Amtrak and she reeks of DDT

She's got a great personality

Mother's chiropractor's friend from Knoxville, Tennessee

Thought we'd look cute together, tried to set her up with me

My money, boyish good looks, and my medical degree

Would help to complement her one and only quality

She's got a great personality

I'm certain you would have to agree

If you met her watching Fox News in a MAGA hat you'd see

She's got a great personality

Listen to her laughing like a rabid chimpanzee

Her perfume is the scent of week-old chicken fricassee

Beware the good intentions of your friends and family

They call it a blind date because you shouldn't have to see

Her really great personality

Can't she keep it to herself and let me be?

Let someone with a stronger stomach take me word and see

She's got a great personality

LEMON SCENTED AND READY FOR LOVE

Got a mail-in rebate down this checkout lane

I'm factory sealed, authentic wood grain

I'll fix any problem that you can think of

I'm lemon scented and ready for love.

Four out of five dentists recommend me

For their patients who need something low calorie

Got adjustable speeds for the pleasure you dream of

I'm lemon scented and ready for love.

I'm dishwasher safe,

I won't scar or burn or chafe,

Come in three designer colors and my frame can be replaced

I'll do your windows and I'll clean your clock

Just keep me from water or I'll give you a shock

I won't stick to most dental work and I'll fit you like a glove

I'm lemon scented and ready for love

I'm dishwasher safe,

I won't scar or burn or chafe,

Come in three designer colors and my memory can be erased.

I'm two-twenty voltage with six-hundred watt

You might need a permit for the power I've got

Come on, use me baby, use me for whatever you think of

I'm lemon scented and ready for love.

SHE LOOKS STUPID WHEN SHE DANCES

She looks stupid when she dances

Quirky jerks and sidelong glances

Like a rusty outboard motor

Trying to cut through frozen water

She looks stupid when she dances

She looks awful when she's flirting

It's so crass and disconcerting

When her eyelashes get flappin'

There's no telling what might happen

She looks awful when she's flirting

Everyone in Calico Cal's

Would endure a hundred bad root canals

Rather than be seen with her now

But I've been sober since October and I love her anyhow

'Cause I look stupid when I'm dancing

Like a Roman flank advancing

People laugh and I laugh with 'em

I was born without no rhythm

I look stupid when I'm dancing

Everyone at Rosie O'Toole's

Wishes we'd just stay put on our barstools

I don't care if we break the floor

'Cause I've been clean since Halloween and she don't scare me anymore

We both look stupid when we're dancing

Like a yoke of oxen prancing

People scream and curse our fathers

But it doesn't even bother

Us that we look stupid dancing

TWO-HEADED ZOMBIE LOVE CURSE

It came up from the poison via vampire bat

And it slunk out into the world in a wicked black cat

It grew wilder and viler and out of control

Then it crawled up my pant leg and it settled in my soul

I got the Two-headed Zombie Love Curse

Well I was doing all right by myself in this world

When I picked up the infection from a carrier girl

Was it kismet? Was it karma? Was it written in the stars?

Was it meant to be forever just like chicken pox scars?

It’s just the Two-headed Zombie Love Curse

Well, the priest was at the altar swinging incense from his wrist

I didn’t need a priest, just an old-fashioned exorcist

I repeated all the words that Father Flynn had said to me

But when he said Till Death Do Us Part, I didn’t know he meant literally

Can’t break this Two-headed Zombie Love Curse

These days I drive a station-wagon, don’t mind shopping for clothes

And we sample wine and cheeses and eat whole grain Cheerios

Sometimes we lock the bedroom door and let things get intense

And sometimes we just cuddle and discuss current events

It’s this damned Two-headed Zombie Love Curse

I don’t drink or smoke or gamble since that curse was put on me

And the only thing worse than two heads instead of one is three

There’s a cauldron in the basement and a sacrificial bier

I can’t get my mojo working or my spells to sound sincere

Now you can hear the banshees wailing from the other side of town

When the blow dryer is busted or the toilet seat’s not down

It’ll find you in your sports car, at the bar, or Super Bowl

When it crawls up your pant leg and it settles in your soul

You’ll have the Two-headed Zombie Love Curse

I LIKE SOUP

I like eating soup with crackers (I like soup, I like soup)

Looks like it's been in a trash compactor (I like soup, I like soup)

Burning it so hot until it's boiling in my brain (in my brain)

Steaming mad, a city bus or on a choo choo train

I like soup

ROOFTOPS OF LONDON

You should see where I've been,

The moon hangs like a pendulum in the sky

It's another lovely night on the rooftops

High above the crowds

Where you can almost touch the clouds

It's another lovely night on the rooftops

On the rooftops of London I find my piece of mind,

Looking out across the sky of gray

On the rooftops of London I find my piece of mind,

Somewhere in the distance far away

Cascading colors of green and red,

I wave goodbye to the sun, it's time for bed

It's another lonely night on the rooftops

Wishing you were here.

Standing next to me beside the wind

It's another lonely night on the rooftops

One more light goes out,

another lime house hides its face

Just another starry eye on the rooftops

I can feel no pain,

Just the wind and the slight tap of the rain

Just another starry eye on the rooftops.

MR. COOKIE FACE

Mr. Cookie Face hit me in a room in a basement bar

Mr. Cookie Face said, "I'll set you straight, I know who you are."

And I can't believe I trusted a guy named Cookie Face

"Black and White Goodness" ran away with my suitcase

You'll be amazed, 

He's in a daze, he's just a coo-coo-cookie face

You'll be amazed, 

He's in a daze, he's just a coo-coo-cookie face

Mr. Cookie Face sold me life insurance yesterday

Mr. Cookie Face said he had a feeling that it would pay

And the policy deductible was kind of high

He said, "Don't fret yourself, who loves you when you die?"

You'll be amazed, 

He's in a daze, he's just a coo-coo-cookie face

You'll be amazed, 

He's in a daze, he's just a coo-coo-cookie face

Mr. Cookie Face drove me to his trailer in a gale

Mr. Cookie Face made me Captain Ahab to his cookie whale

And he took my face into his armpit with a smirk

Tasting that creamy white and crumbly cookie dirt.

And his dirty work shirt

You'll be amazed, 

He's in a daze, he's just a coo-coo-cookie face

You'll be amazed, 

He's in a daze, he's just a coo-coo-cookie face

FIVE DEAD SCOTSMEN

Five dead Scotsmen frolic on the lawn

In their kilts, their bagpipes drawn

Five dead Scotsmen, five dead Scotsmen

Five dead Scotsmen on the lawn

Five dead Scotsmen haunting up the yard

Reading from some Scottish bard

Five dead Scotsmen, five dead Scotsmen

Five dead Scotsmen in the yard

Down bowls of haggis,

Let the bagpipes wail

Bind, gag and drag us

Down the Highland trail

Down the Highland trail

Five dead Scotsmen in the parking lot

Quoting from Sir Walter Scott

Five dead Scotsmen, five dead Scotsmen

Five dead Scotsmen in the lot

Down bowls of haggis,

Let the bagpipes wail

Bind, gag and drag us

Down the Highland trail

Down the Highland trail

Down the Highland trail

Five dead Scotsmen frolic on the lawn

William, Robert, Kenneth, Jack, Sean

Five dead Scotsmen, five dead Scotsmen

Five dead Scotsmen on the lawn

MR. PEEK-A-BOO

Who was that looking in the window?

Who was that looking in the window?

That was me looking in the window

Who was that looking in the window?

Just call me Mr. Peek-A-Boo

MALINGERING

I think I'm gonna fake a seizure

Or maybe fall down real hard

That'll keep them off guard

I think I'm gonna smack my thumbnail

With my hammer claw

That'll teach them all

And when I start to lacerate

I'm gonna draw some blood

And then the boss won't hesitate

The mailbox will flood

With cash, cold cash

To pay for my congenital rash

I'm gonna spend my day, spend my day malingering

I'm gonna spend my day, spend my day malingering

I think I'm gonna eat a thumb tack

With a piece of bread

That'll numb my head

I think I'm gonna take a catnap

Then fall from my chair

And then lie bleeding there

And when I start to lacerate

I'm gonna draw some blood

And then the boss won't hesitate

The mailbox will flood

With cash, cold cash

To pay for my congenital rash

I'm gonna spend my day, spend my day malingering

I'm gonna spend my day, spend my day malingering

I'm gonna act real crazy

Gonna tell them that the boss is fat

Gonna act like my thoughts aren't hazy

Although they are, I haven't gotten that far

I'm gonna spend my day, spend my day malingering

I'm gonna spend my day, spend my day malingering

I'm gonna spend my day, spend my day malingering

I'm gonna spend my day, spend my day malingering

TOO UGLY FOR ICE CREAM

Take my picture, my legs are shapely,

And my pantyhose are long and pale.

See my picture, a healthy kind of glow

With no proof of corrective surgery, you know

Never gonna be the kind of girl you see cryin' at nineteen

Daddy never meant to be so mean,

Never meant to say I'm too ugly, I'm too ugly, too ugly for

Ice cream, you scream, everybody scream scream,

one more chance at dilapidated teen queen

Ain't gonna flake, no gills a-turnin' green,

'Cause I'm too ugly for ice cream.

Take a picture, it lasts longer,

Longer than this girl you know

Tell me I'm beautiful, I need to hear it,

And if you can't recall I'll learn to live without it.

Never gonna be the kind of girl you see cryin' at nineteen

Daddy never meant to be so mean,

Never meant to say I'm too ugly, I'm too ugly, too ugly for

Ice cream, you scream, everybody scream scream,

one more chance at dilapidated teen queen

Ain't gonna flake, no gills a-turnin' green,

'Cause I'm too ugly for ice cream.

Tell me I'm beautiful. 

Never gonna be the kind of girl you see cryin' at nineteen

Daddy never meant to be so mean,

Never meant to say I'm too ugly, I'm too ugly, too ugly for

Ice cream, you scream, everybody scream scream,

one more chance at dilapidated teen queen

Ain't gonna flake, no gills a-turnin' green,

'Cause I'm too ugly for ice cream.

IF YOU LEAVE ME I’LL KILL YOU

I can’t give you money, I can’t give you fame

I can give you reasons but they’re all pretty lame

I got nothing romantic or special to say

I won’t bring you flowers, they just wither away

But if you leave me, I’ll kill you

Don’t ask me to whisper sweet words in your ear

‘Hey Babe’ are the sweetest words you’ll ever hear

I’ll never buy diamonds to hang ‘round your neck

I’ll buy you some lunch if you write me a check

But if you leave me I’ll kill you

I’ll track you down to the ends of the earth and I’ll make you repay everything

If I can’t find you I’ll hold your folks hostage and tie up your sister with string

I can’t write you love songs or gaze in your eyes

If I bought you presents they’d be the wrong size

My family may hate you, they constantly say

That I could do better than you any day

But if you leave me, I’ll kill you

I’ll hire people to find where you’re at if it takes me the rest of my days

I’ll hunt you down with a .44 magnum and teach you about true love ways

I’ll take you to heaven if you lend me your car

I’ll recite you love stories from Enquirer and Star

Don’t tell me that I don’t take you anywhere

We just got back from the tractor pull at the fair

But if you leave me

If you leave me

If you leave me, I’ll kill you

HEARTACHE CITY BAIT FARM

I took my love to the Heartache City Bait Farm

A book of love poems tucked underneath my right arm

If love is like a red, red rose then I am like a bee

Who, drunk with pollen, takes a dose from every flower he sees

And you can quote me at the Heartache City Bait Farm

I took my love to the Heartache City Swap Meet

Where 3-D post cards of Christ sell next to deer meat

If love is like a mighty oak then I am like a squirrel

Who harvests acorns from the bough of each and every girl

And you can quote me at the Heartache City Swap Meet

I took my love to the Heartache City Ag Fest

The first John Deere was reserved for me and my guest

If love is just the stuff of dreams then let me never wake

It's better to give than receive, but best of all to take

And you can quote me at the Heartache City Ag Fest

And you can quote me at the Heartache City Swap Meet

And you can quote me at the Heartache City Bait Farm

THE DEVIL CONTROLS HER BY RADAR

She won First Runner-up as Miss Nude Arkansas,

She says, "Here's where I lay when I lay down the law."

She gets ultra-high frequencies on her Wonderbra

And the devil controls her by radar

She says, "I'd sleep till noon if I had my choice."

She calls her Monte Carlo her Rural Rolls Royce

And the Home Shopping Network knows her by her voice

And the devil controls her by radar

She's got a mind like a ghost town

There's just tumbleweeds blowing through dust

When she tears her hitching post down

There's just eye shadow turning to rust

She thinks prime time TV was invented by God

And she’s done every guy on the tactical squad

If wishes were horses she'd need a good prod

And the devil controls her by radar

She still owes the gym for the dance class she took

She's a Libra but she's never opened a book

Just get down on her level and get a good look

At how the devil controls her by radar

Is it a sense of nostalgia?

She gets teary when 'Dallas' comes on

Is it romance or neuralgia?

She keeps twitching and growling till dawn

She's a single white female in search of a mate

Who'll love her for who she is despite the live bait

Tune into her frequency and I'll demonstrate

How the devil controls her by radar

CHARLOTTE BEFORE SHE LOST IT

She always said tread lightly

And she could walk on air

She said her prayers nightly

And hugged her teddy bear

On the lonely nights

In her empty room

Bathed in candlelight

She’d stare at the moon

But that was Charlotte before she lost it

Before she finally went insane

She said no one could hear her

When she had words to say

She let no one get near her

Everyone stayed away

In a mystic trance

She would spin and howl

With her head and hands

Wrapped up in white towels

But that was Charlotte before she lost it

Before she finally went insane

There's no brain as half as sane as

Those who gain release

In some silent secret island

Lurks a violent peace

Where did we go wrong?

What could we have done?

Did we wait too long?

The chance was next to none

To rescue Charlotte before she lost it

Before she left it inside her closet

Before the fine line, before she crossed it

Before she finally went insane

CAN’T GET MYSELF RIGHT

No curtains on the windows, no windows on the walls,

No walls on the foundation, no common sense at all

See me running through the graveyard wearing nothing but a grin,

Hear me singing to the back row, hear me baying at the wind,

And nobody singing my song

Can't get myself right,

Can't get myself right since you done me wrong

Uncle Willy in the back seat, Aunt Nellie in the trunk,

We're going ninety miles an hour over every single bump

See me tearing up the sluiceway, smell the burning of the cams,

Hear the splash as we hit water, taste the briny, briny clams.

And nobody waving so long

Can't get myself right,

Can't get myself right since you done me wrong

Hear me singing through the phone lines, hear me buzzing on the wire,

See me plundering the pulpit, hear me throwing off the choir

No curtains on the windows, no windows on the walls

No walls on the foundation, no common sense at all

And nobody singing my song

Can't get myself right,

Can't get myself right since you done me wrong

SHE LOOKS GOOD IN LEATHER

I found a rattlesnake

I put it in a box

I tied a bow around it

Sent it to Sheila Cox

I couldn't have predicted

The sheer surprise I felt

She stripped the skin off it and

Made it into a belt

The open throttle and the road not traveled

Just add unleaded and some primal rage

A cloud of gypsum dust and spray of gravel

She looks good in leather for a girl her age

A wardrobe made of slogans

Supports her latest cause

A ripped-up T-shirt saying

"Say no to helmet laws"

But who could keep up with her?

I couldn't move that fast

I see the wind behind her,

The Stuckey's flying past

I'm gonna flag her down on one of these turns

I'm gonna sew her emblem to my sleeve

I want to feel the way her engine burns

When I strap her body next to me

I found a rattlesnake

I put it in a box

I tied a bow around it

Sent it to Sheila Cox

I'm not a leadfoot lover

I tend to ride the brake

But I've got this memory of her

And one dead rattlesnake

LIGHTNING ROD

Terry Neumann, she bled from her eyes

On Good Friday, wasn’t too surprised

Doesn’t sound like a very good Friday to me, me

Hey, Mom, I’m the Son of God, theological lightning rod 

Hey, freak, I’m the super geek, physiological freaky-deak

I   can’t   decide     my faith is  bleeding, I can’t hide (word up, up)

My hands, my feet, the dumb leading the blind

Padre Pio, he was a chosen fella

Never turnin’ his back or turnin’ yella

Turnin’ yella wasn’t an option for me, me

Hey, Mom, I’m the Son of God, theological lightning rod 

Hey, freak, I’m the super geek, physiological freaky-deak

I   can’t   decide     my faith is  bleeding, I can’t hide (word up, up)

My hands, my feet, the dumb leading the blind

I was riding on the school bus when I guessed

I was maybe mad or maybe blessed

All the bleeding was kind of a shock to me, me

Hey, Mom, I’m the stepson of God, theological lightning rod 

Hey, freak, I’m the super geek, physiological freaky-deak

I   can’t   decide     my faith is  bleeding, I can’t hide (word up, up)

My hands, my feet, I think I’ll play outside

THE MULTIPURPOSE MOTIVATIONAL NEARLY NONDENOMINATIONAL HOTEL FAUX PAS GOODTIME GOSPEL HOUR

With our wacky brand of homemade homespun humor

We’d surely charm the pants right off them folks

When Boxcar Willie found he had a tumor

We used his place to sing and tell bad jokes

Larry sang bass, Brian sang backwards

Everyone gasped at all the bad words

At the Multipurpose Motivational Nearly Nondenominational

Hotel Faux Pas Goodtime Gospel Hour

So every Sunday morning we would gather

To praise the Lord and help repay the loan

We all agreed that surely we would rather

Have some nice snazzy theater of our own

Karl sang high, Chris did the drumming

Everybody waited for the second coming

At the Multipurpose Motivational Nearly Nondenominational

Hotel Faux Pas Goodtime Gospel Hour

Pastor Gray from Holloway

Gave the sermon while we’d play

“Sitting at the Dock of the Bay”

And “Just a Closer Walk This Way”

When Boxcar Willie came back to his senses

 With his whole hokey hobo entourage

The feeling and the general consensus

Was for us to get the hell right out of Dodge

Larry ran fast, Brian ran faster

Chris floored the gas and Karl flipped off the pastor

At the Multipurpose Motivational Nearly Nondenominational

Hotel Faux Pas Goodtime Gospel Hour

At the Multipurpose Motivational Nearly Nondenominational

Hotel Faux Pas Goodtime Gospel Hour

Hotel Faux Pas Goodtime Gospel Hour

Hotel Faux Pas Goodtime Gospel Hour

UKULELE (How I Won the Spelling Bee)

Beneath the stars we smoke cigars

I start to dictate my memoirs

We hear guitars

Beneath the daily ukulele moon

I take a chance and I advance

I pull the plectrum from my pants

Pocket and dance

Beneath the daily ukulele moon

U-K-U-L-E-L-E

How I won the spelling bee

Don't spell it phonetically:

U-K-U-L-E-L-E

And when I strum she starts to hum

She asks me if I would like some

More bubblegum

Beneath the daily ukulele moon

U-K-U-L-E-L-E

How I won the spelling bee

Now she spends her nights with me

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

If she should pout or start to shout

I take my ukulele out

And strum about

Beneath the daily ukulele moon

U-K-U-L-E-L-E

How I won the spelling bee

Women flock for miles to see

Me play so romantically

THE PRESIDENT HAS A MONKEY

The president has a monkey

The president has a monkey with an office of its own

The president has a monkey but it isn’t widely known

The president left the monkey

The president left the monkey in his office all alone

The president found the monkey

The president found the monkey talking on the hotline phone

The French Premier and Prince Rainier

And the Major-General from Zaire

Could not believe what they did hear:

A monkey talking in their ear

The president took the monkey

The president took the monkey to the White House Chief-of-Staff

The Chief then took the monkey

The Chief then took the monkey home to his better half

She gave it to her uncle

She gave it to her uncle down in Washington D.C.

He took it to the Congo

He took it to the Congo where he set that monkey free

A Congolese boy raising bees

Who had heard the ape’s soliloquies

Could not believe with any ease

A talking monkey in the trees

He gave that talking monkey

He gave that talking monkey to the leader on the hill

Who gave it to the president

Who gave it to the president as a gesture of goodwill

And now the president has a monkey

The president has a monkey with an office of its own

The president has a monkey

The president has a monkey but it’s not allowed to use the phone

SATAN MAKES ME DONUTS

I get up in the morning and I get out of bed

The Antichrist makes sure I'm fed

He stays up nights rolling the dough

He makes them only for me and don't you know

Satan makes me donuts

Every Saturday morning

Satan makes me donuts

With peanuts and guacamole, hey

Now Beelzebub's an awful name

But he makes great donuts just the same

If you try them you will see

The devil's donuts are gosh darn heavenly

Satan makes me donuts

Every Saturday morning

Satan makes me donuts

With peanuts and guacamole, hey

Pass the donut to the left-hand side

Pass the donut to the left-hand side, the jelly roll

This kind of music make me jump and scrub

This kind of music make me jump and scrub

I get up in the morning and I get out of bed

The Antichrist makes sure I'm fed

He stays up nights rolling the dough

He makes them only for me and don't you know

Satan makes me donuts

Every Saturday morning

Satan makes me donuts

With peanuts and guacamole, hey

This kind of music make me jump and scrub

THE RUCKUS

Well, the Mississippi water runs deep

It runs farther and wider than the sea

It flows over the rocks and bridges

Mississippi water won't you please leave me be

It runs people out of their houses

That's what the ruckus is all about

It runs people to higher ground

Wherever shelter can be found

THE GIRLS OF COEUR D’ALENE

Oh the girls of Coeur d'Alene,

They live on Scotch and Solarcaine,

They hardly ever fail to wash behind their ears. 

They can cook and clean and sew and then put on a puppet show

All about the first Idaho pioneers.

Truck broke down on the fourth of May,

Didn't leave town till New Years Day.

Girls of Coeur d'Alene all say,

"We'll make it worth your while to stay."

Oh the men of Coeur d'Alene,

They chew on steel and snort methane

And bet on cockfights out behind Holiday Inn.

When the girls of Coeur d'Alene come rollin' home at twelve-fifteen,

They hardly ever think to ask them where they've been.

Sprained my leg on the fourth of July,

Girls of Coeur d'Alene came by.

Rubbed my back and made me pie,

Kept my leg and spirits high.

Oh the girls of Coeur d'Alene,

They live on Scotch and Solarcaine,

They downshift hard and still they never burn the clutch.

On the road to Santa Fe I think about them every day

Because I love the girls of Coeur d'Alene that much.

Fatty fatty two by four,

Can't get through the bathroom door.

Girls of Coeur d'Alene made sure

I gained a hundred pounds or more.

LUCKY BLUE DOT

I cannot breathe without my lucky blue dot

I cannot teethe without my lucky blue dot

Lucky blue dot, lucky blue dot

Me fancy talker with my lucky blue dot

Drink Johnny Walker with my lucky blue dot

Lucky blue dot, lucky blue dot

Deep inside I know it can’t be me

I could never be her fantasy

Everything I did was always wrong

Till my lucky blue dot came along, came along

I can’t get rich without my lucky blue dot

Can’t scratch that itch without my lucky blue dot

Lucky blue dot, lucky blue dot

Deep inside I know it can’t be me

I could never be her fantasy

Everything I did was always wrong

Till my lucky blue dot came along, came along

I caught a whopper with my lucky blue dot

A spreeing shopper with my lucky blue dot

Lucky blue dot, luck blue dot

Deep inside I know it can’t be me

I could never be her fantasy

Everything I did was always wrong

Till my lucky blue dot came along

WE DID IT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE

Your Aunt Anita and my Uncle Ramon

Were locked in my room playing my sister's trombone

Doing things I knew that mom wouldn't condone

"Those folks," she said, "ain't been stable."

They found a puzzle with six-hundred pieces

A landscape of Rome's or of England's or Greece's

Some girl and a cow and a tractor and geese

And we did it on the kitchen table

Right there, for everyone to see

Right there, where Grandma poured the tea

Right there, where Mom burned potpourri

And we did it on the kitchen table

Mom's best friend Doris with her daughter Kristin

Came over and left us without supervision

Kris said, "Let's play doctor, I'll make the incision,

And you be the one who's disabled.

She said, "How is your blood pressure and your endurance?"

I asked, "Is this covered on my mom's insurance?"

She said, "Just relax, only I know the cure,"

And we did it on the kitchen table

Right there, where Papa carved the roast

Right there, where Grandpa read the Post

Right there, where milk came out my nose

And we did it on the kitchen table

And we did it until we weren't able

Although one of the legs was unstable

We still did it on the kitchen table

HERE ON THE GROUND

Too many lights in the back of my head

Too many things that I think I said

What did I do last night is the most asked question

Too many lines that keep coming up blank

Too many things that I think I think

What am I doing lying here on the ground?

You know I must’ve been out of my head

A religious experience, I thought I was dead

Till I woke up here on the ground  (Here on the ground)

Here on the ground

Too many nights in this holy ghost town

Too many nights waking up face down

How do I get myself in these situations?

Too many fights that I think I fought

Too many things that I think I thought

I thought I’d blame the whole damn thing on the wrong medication

You know I must’ve been out of my head

A religious experience, I thought I was dead

Till I woke up here on the ground  (Here on the ground)

Here on the ground

COWPOX

Baby's got cowpox, the worst case in years

She's walking funny and she's warm behind the ears

I need  to  know   if it's just me

Or is she acting feverishly

I can't get close enough to see her eyes

But I'm gonna love her till the girls come home  

When we can walk again together through the earthen loam

'Cause I'm as faithful and as constant as a metronome  

Baby's got cowpox, she just hasn't been herself

I warned that too much grains would soon affect her health

But does she hear a thing I say?

She's got her mind made up that way

I hear the folks in town all blame her size

But I'm gonna love her till the girls come home  

When we can walk again together through the earthen loam

'Cause I'm as faithful and as constant as a metronome  

But I'm gonna love her till I can't see straight  

When I can tow her from my tractor down the interstate

When's the doctor gonna get here and inoculate?

Baby's got cowpox, Papa says it don't look good

He says go fetch my gun and we'll do what we should

Will from these fits she be released

Or should I run and get the priest?

Or will she be the biggest feast we've had?

But I'm gonna love her till the girls come home  

When we can walk again together through the earthen loam

'Cause I'm as faithful and as constant as a metronome  

I CAN’T DRAW SPUNKY

I want to paint you a masterpiece but I don't know where to start

I took a bunch of classes in school but none of them were art

Bought me a canvas and stretched it out and I put on an artist's smock

Mixed the paints up and then came down with a case of artist's block

I can't draw Spunky, I can't even hold the chalk

I can't draw Spunky, and my stick men can't walk

But if that's the only way to prove my love for you is true

Then I'll draw that beast for you

I bought a book of famous plays and I read it in one day

I got a headache on page twelve and it never went away

I read Othello in the tub and I studied up Caesar's death

I wanted to impress you with my knowledge of Macbeth

I can't read Shakespeare, Call me stupid, dumb, or dense

I can't read Shakespeare, it just doesn't make no sense

But if that's the only way to prove my love for you is true

Then I'll read that crap for you

I got blisters on my eyeballs, I got bruises on my heart

If I have to see one more mime I'll tear his face apart

There's a clatch of one-named actors doing Shakespeare in the Park

There's a guy in purple stockings dressed up like Joan of Arc

I can't draw Spunky, I can't even hold the chalk

I can't draw Spunky, and my stick men can't walk

But if that's the only way to prove my love for you is true

Then I'll draw that beast and I'll read King Lear

I'll be an artiste and cut off my ear

And I'll give it all to you

THROW THE SAWDUST DOWN

Where our love went wrong

We throw the sawdust down

We pack it up and move

To another town

You left me waiting like a big damn fool

On the merry-go-round

Where our love went wrong

We throw the sawdust down

You gave me cotton candy kisses

You told me licorice lies

You pushed my candy buttons

You won the ring toss prize

All I got is this stupid stuffed giraffe

Missing both of its eyes

Where our love went wrong

It gathers nothing but flies

I was the mark of the midway

You were the queen of the shills

They say that love is fleeting

But so are ten-dollar bills

You left me stranded in the Tunnel of Love

Full of Viagra pills

Where our love went wrong

It’s got me seeking new thrills

I took a turn on the cakewalk

I got you double fudge swirl

I only threw up three times

On the Tilt-A-Whirl

It kind of makes me feel motion sick

Quick! It’s making me hurl

Where our love went wrong

It left a hole in the world

Where our love went wrong

We throw the sawdust down

We pack it up and we move, move, move

It to another other town

It only takes one single match

To burn the place to the ground

Where our love went wrong

We throw the sawdust down

Swamp Ape Review, the national literary journal founded and produced by the MFA in creative writing students at Florida Atlantic University, recently announced the winner of the inaugural Justin Waldron Memorial Prize for Innovative Prose. My hybrid piece “A Halifax History of Curse Words” was chosen as the 2024 recipient of this esteemed prize.

Read the piece here: https://www.swampapereview.com/a-halifax-history-of-curse-words

The legendary St. Louis nightclub Off-Broadway played host to the city's wacky band of quirky funsters Hotel Faux Pas on December 16, 2023. As usual. I was joined onstage with my musical comrades Brian McClelland, Karl Dodson and Chris Brown for an evening of classic HFP hits, returning to the venue for the first time since 2001. 

May, 2023: Gifts of the Divine, is now available from iTunes, Amazon, Spotify and hundreds of other streaming platforms. The new record features 16 side-splitting, knee-slapping, hum along ditties guaranteed to befuddle church elders and conservative PTO members.

Songs include "I Taught the Cat to Do My Taxes," "All the Boys Want to Read Her Sonnets," "Are We in Love Or Is This Pittsburgh?," "Bring Me the Corpse of Pope Formosus" and many more.

Bringing the songs to life, these talented musicians added their inimitable contributions: Chris Brown on drums; Vic Hoffmeister on bass; Karl Dodson on electric and acoustic guitars; and Chris Livesay on keyboards and viola.

I graduated from Lindenwood University on May 6, 2023, with a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing. The maturation in the two-year program is evident in these before-and-after photos.

The program allowed me to workshop and hone my novel, write several new short stories and flash fiction pieces and share feedback and ideas with likeminded creative individuals all over the country.  

Folk-pop-quirk-rock quartet Hotel Faux Pas played an auspicious public show on November 5, 2022, at the historic Gaslight Theatre in St. Louis. Joining me (vocals, acoustic guitar, mandolin, ukulele), Brian McClelland (vocals, bass) and Karl Dodson (vocals, electric guitars) was newest member Chris Brown (drums). We plan to make this an annual event, so watch out for a fall '23 date announcement. 

The literary journal Book of Matches chose my flash fiction story "Blaze Johnny Two-Elk" for inclusion in its Issue #6, published September, 2022.

This experimental piece is comprised of four two-hundred word sentences.

Read it for yourself: https://www.bookofmatcheslitmag.com/post/issue-6-of-book-of-matches-is-live